The Full Monty
by cjulina
Summary: Sula must raise money quickly and turns to Keldorn, Anomen, Valygar, Yoshimo, Haer'Dalis, and Minsc for help. Warning -- the subject matter is adult in nature but the treatment of the subject is not.


The Full Monty

Disclaimer: The entire strip-tease scene was lifted in its entirety (with just a few modifications to make it fit into the Baldur's Gate world) from _The Full Monty_ performance at the 2001 Tony's award show. I cannot take credit for the song, the lines, or most of the action sequences.

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

SCENE ONE  
THE COPPER CORONET -- MAIN HALL

_Sitting nervously around a table are MINSC (with BOO on his shoulder), VALYGAR, YOSHIMO, and ANOMEN. SULA walks by and breaks into a chuckle as she passes._

VALYGAR: Do any of you know what is going on?

ANOMEN: Not a clue. I asked Sula why she sent for Keldorn and Haer'Dalis but she wouldn't answer. _(scowls)_ In fact, she just smirked and walked off.

YOSHIMO: I think we will soon have our answers. They have just arrived.

_The group looks up to see KELDORN and HAER'DALIS blazing through the doorway._

KELDORN: What is the matter? I received a note requesting I come here for a matter of gravest importance.

MINSC: Minsc and Boo do not know but Sula will tell us now that you are here.

VALYGAR: With the grin Sula's had plastered on her face all evening, I have a feeling we'd be better off not knowing.

SCENE TWO  
THE COPPER CORONET -- A BACKROOM

_The men enter the room to find SULA, JAHEIRA, NALIA, AERIE, VICONIA, MAZZY, EDWIN (in female form), and MARIA sitting on one side of a large table._

KELDORN: Maria? What are you doing here?

MARIA: Sula was a little worried you might object to her proposition, so I'm here to make sure you accept.

_KELDORN turns to SULA with murderous rage blazing on his face._ You stoop to using my wife to blackmail me into agreeing to something? You go too far, Bhaalspawn!

MARIA: Actually, it was my idea, Keldorn. Sit down and listen to what she has to say.

_KELDORN grudgingly sits. The other men follow his example._

SULA: I've asked you here because I'm in a bit of a bind. We leave for Spellhold soon and we need to raise a rather large sum of cash before we depart.

ANOMEN: My love, did you not already have a considerable amount of gold?

SULA: I did, but that money has all been spent.

HAER'DALIS: Where did all the gold go?

_The women exchange guilty looks._

SULA: We spent it on . . . equipment.

YOSHIMO: What could you possibly need? You already have a virtual arsenal. Did you come across a weapon of great power?

_The guilty look on Sula's face grows._

SULA: Not exactly.

VALYGAR: Then what exactly?

SULA: The trip will be a long one and, well, we bought something that will keep Jaheira and me happy and comfortable.

_Sula looks around hopefully but the men's scowls tell her that the explanation isn't enough to satisfy them. She continues._ We bought the super-duper, upgradeable Hair Styler and Clothes Freshener.

MARIA: Don't forget the Facial Treatment attachment you purchased. That's my personal favorite.

ANOMEN: _(leaping to his feet)_ You spent your hard-earned gold on something so . . . so frivolous?!

JAHEIRA: It was not a frivolous purchase. As she said, it will be a long trip to Spellhold and this will keep us from getting cranky.

ANOMEN: Cranky?

JAHEIRA: You have heard the word before, have you not, priest? How about grumpy or bad-tempered? Moody?

ANOMEN: Of course I know what cranky means. Are you telling me you haven't been cranky all along?

JAHEIRA: I have _never_ been cranky.

_ANOMEN sits, shaking his head._

SULA: We're getting a bit side-tracked. Anyway, there are a few upgrades, attachments, and add-ons that we'd like to buy, but the price is more than we can afford. That's where you come in. The new owner of the Five Flagons theatre is in need of entertainers for Ladies Night. All you need to do is put on a . . . special performance and he'll pay us the gold we need for all the upgrades.

HAER'DALIS: Explain what a "special" performance is, my raven.

SULA: It's nothing much, really. Do a dance number, maybe sing a little . . . _(her voice drops to a mumble)_ while you're doing a strip-tease.

_KELDORN and ANOMEN leap to their feet, sputtering in fury._

MARIA: No arguments, Keldorn. You will aid Sula in this.

KELDORN: You seriously expect me, a paladin of Torm, to strip in public? Why?

MARIA: Sula has offered to "time share" this dandy little machine. Once she's back with Imoen, each of us will share it equally. It's the least you can do for me after all these years you've been traipsing about for the Order.

_KELDORN'S shoulders slump in defeat and he meekly nods his agreement._

SULA: One down. Anomen?

ANOMEN: Never, my lady! I will not subject myself to such a thing. Not even for you.

_SULA walks over and whispers into his ear. Shock, followed by wonderment, and then intrigue crosses his face. He steps back and takes a few shaky breaths._

ANOMEN: Is that even possible, my lady?

_SULA just answers with a superior, knowing smile. ANOMEN crosses over to stand with KELDORN._

ANOMEN: I'm in.

_All eyes fall on Haer'Dalis._

HAER'DALIS: As an actor, I must bare my soul each time I take to the stage. To bare my body will be simple in comparison. This sparrow will do it. I will even lead the rehearsals so that we look like strutting peacocks rather than waddle about like gangling geese.

_The women all beam and turn their attentions to Minsc._

MINSC: No! Minsc will not do it. It would be too embarrassing for poor little Boo.

AERIE: _(sighing with disappointment)_ I guess we'll have to mark off the Pedicure and Manicure attachment, which means Ribald won't throw in the julienne fry maker for free.

_All attention focuses on BOO as he makes a tremendous leap from MINSC'S shoulder to land in the middle of the table. The tiny hamster begins chittering loudly as he starts dancing about. He rises to his hind feet, twirls a few times and then ends with a stupendous backflip. MINSC glares angrily at BOO._

MAZZY: Um, Minsc, is Boo okay?

MINSC: _(in a sullen, yet angry tone)_ Boo insists I help. He's partial to julienne fries.

_AERIE and NALIA clap wildly._

YOSHIMO: Before I agree, I wish to know what Edwin is getting out of this little arrangement.

EDWIN: Not that it is your business, but I'm interested in finding out what a bikini wax is. _(He misses the grimaces of pain that pass over the men's faces, as well as VICONIA'S look of pure satisfaction as she contemplates the torture the wizard will experience from such a procedure.)_

YOSHIMO: Okay, I'm satisfied. I'll do it.

_VALYGAR silently rises and walks over to stand with the men._ If the rest of you are going to do this, I might as well too. _(in a voice just loud enough for the men to hear)_ Not to mention, that evil wizard will get his just rewards from a bikini wax.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE  
THE FIVE FLAGONS THEATRE -- SEVERAL DAYS LATER

_The place is already packed, with a long line of people still waiting to enter. At the center table near the stage, MAZZY, NALIA, JAHEIRA, AERIE, MARIA, EDWIN, VICONIA, and SULA are laughing as they sip their margaritas. BOO is busily occupied with a plate of julienne fries._

_The house lights dim._ _The ANNOUNCER enters and stands at center stage._

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen. I'm afraid I have some bad news. _(audience groans)_ I am not taking my clothes off tonight . . . _(audience cheers which garners a frown from him)_ but somebody is. They may not all be young. They may not all be pretty. They may not even be very good, but tonight . . . one night only, they're here. They're live. And they're going for no less than the full monty. _ He exits the stage._

_A fanfare starts and MINSC, KELDORN, YOSHIMO, ANOMEN, HAER'DALIS, and VALYGAR step out as the curtain rises. They are clad in tight golden pantaloons, billowy shirts, and brilliant red capes, wearing caps set at a jaunty angle. The crowd goes wild._

_The men stand there for a few seconds in embarrassment (except for HAER'DALIS and YOSHIMO who are grinning broadly)._

MINSC: Look at all the people.

KELDORN: My wife's out there.

YOSHIMO: That's nothing. There's Prelate Wessalen and Sir Ryan Trawl.

ANOMEN: _(looking in horror)_ Then I'm not going the full monty.

HAER'DALIS: _(shrugging) _I don't mind. I'll go the full monty.

VALYGAR: Who asked you, Haer'Dalis?

_The orchestra begins playing. VALYGAR pushes HAER'DALIS slightly towards the center stage._

VALYGAR: _(continuing)_ Sing!

_HAER'DALIS struts forward and poses suggestively as he breaks into song.  
_Did I capture your imagination? Did I break you down, make you smile?

_In the background, the rest of the men awkwardly attempt to do some fancy footwork and finish by turning to the side. In a vaguely tandem fashion, they do a hip thrust._

_MINSC steps forward.  
_It's a serious little situation. Why don't we loosen up and dance awhile?  
_He ends with a series of fast hip thrusts and steps back into line._

_VALYGAR puts one foot forward and points toward the audience.  
_You need a loose lip lover with a heart of honey.

_MAZZY stands up._ Ohhhh!! Baby, baby. Yeah!

KELDORN: _(holding himself rigidly while staring at the ceiling)  
_You need a sex cadet when duty calls.  
_He stiffly salutes._

_MARIA jumps up from her seat._ I love you, Keldorn!

_ANOMEN blushes as he steps forward.  
_C'mon, show me all your bare-faced beauty.

_SULA twirls a napkin in the air_. Yo, lover, all the way!

_YOSHIMO is grinning broadly as he takes his place at the forefront.  
_I want to see our shadows bouncing off the wall.

_At this point, MINSC and VALYGAR attempt to do a body slam but VALYGAR bounces back from the force and lands in a heap on the floor. KELDORN and ANOMEN help him to his feet._

_They spread out into a triangle formation. HAER'DALIS is in front. VALYGAR and MINSC in the second line. KELDORN, ANOMEN, and YOSHIMO in the back. They begin singing in unison._

Let it go, let it go, loosen up, yeah, let it go.  
Let it go, let it go, it's all right.  
Let it go, let it go. Shake it up now. Let it go.  
You just tell me when you think you're ready.

_They engage in a few struts and a bit of hip shaking. They jog into a straight line, each twirling around in place, while removing their cloaks with a flourish._

_A MEMBER OF THE ORDER screams out:_ You haven't got the guts, Keldorn!

_ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE ORDER stands to add his voice._ Yeah, I brought my telescope!

_MARIA stands and stalks over to the two men._ You know what you can do with your telescope?!

_A MEMBER OF SECURITY walks up._ Who are you, lady?

MARIA: I'm his wife!

_The SECURITY GUARD walks off and the two KNIGHTS sit down, shamefaced._

_Back up on stage:  
_Let it go, let it go, loosen up, yeah, let it go.  
Let it go, let it go, it's all right.  
Let it go, let it go. Shake it up now. Let it go.  
You just tell me when you think you're ready.

_Ripping off their shirts, they spin around broadly as they toss the fabric into the audience and then begin unbuckling their belts._

_NALIA'S voice sounds out above the cheering audience_. Show us what you're made of!

_Back up on stage:_  
Let it go, let it go, loosen up, yeah, let it go.  
Let it go, let it go, it's all right.  
Let it go, let it go. Shake it up now. Let it go.

_Finally removed, they flip their belts between their legs and start rocking back and forth._

_VICONIA jumps up on her chair_. The whole world is watching!

_Back up on stage:  
_Let it GOOOOOOOO!

_They undo the openings on their pantaloons and then they rip them off (thanks to the clever stitching NALIA and AERIE made to the costumes). Clad now only in boots, underpants and caps, the men engage in twirling about on the stage, their pants flying around above their heads._

Let it go, let it go, loosen up, yeah, let it go.  
Let it go, let it go, it's all right.  
Let it go, let it go. Shake it up now. Let it go.

_Encouraged by the cheers and whistles from the audience, they begin to teasingly drop their underpants. As the enthusiasm grows, they yank off the pants, though Minsc has a bit of trouble getting his over his boot and ends up hopping around as he tugs. BOO can be seen at the table shaking his tiny head before returning his attention to the fries in front of him._

_Stripped of their underpants, the men stand there in bright red g-strings. ANOMEN'S sports an emblem of Helm in a rather prominent location while KELDORN'S is adorned with Torm's emblem. They strut to the rear of the stage, their backs to the audience. To the beat of the music, they undo the clasps on the g-strings. With one hand holding the scrap of cloth in place, they each reach up, grab the caps from their heads, and turn to face the audience. The music swells as the men cover their nether regions with the hat and toss the bits of fabric into the audience._

Let it GOOOOOOOO!

_The house lights dim even more and lights on the stage behind the men brighten, blinding the enraptured audience. As the music swells to a crescendo, they toss the caps into the air and make one final twirl as the curtain drops._

_Back in the audience:  
_EDWIN: So, when do I get my turn at the Hair Styler/Clothes Freshener/Manicure/Pedicure/Facial/Bikini Waxer/Julienne Fry Maker gizmo?

_MARIA and SULA exchange evil smirks and respond in unison._ What gizmo? 


End file.
